Depression and Anxiety AFTER Prostate Cancer Surgery, fighting the “Unhappy life”…
There have been many times in my life since my prostate removal that I’ve felt less than a man. Being a 50-year-old man, you’d think, I’M A FULL GROWN MAN! But I tell you… There are days when you feel less than an 8-year-old boy living at home with his mother. I was raised by a Beautiful Strong Woman, with the support of three other beautiful, strong women who protected me, until I was able to protect them.
Being a man that served 30 years in the Army, having Military Occupation Specialties (MOS’s) as 13B field artillery, 11B infantry, 95B(31B) Military Police, 31C Corrections Officer, 42A Personnel Specialist (had to take time out of the crap)…. and my worst assignment ever, 79R, “detailed recruiter”. I have trained thousands of Soldiers all over the world and been assigned to some of the toughest places. Some Soldiers have at least one nice assignment in a nice country or stateside……NOPE, not this guy! Everything I got from the Army was tough! I gave all to the Army, as most of us did, and may still do.
I lost a lot of friends and family while gone, never getting the chance to say goodbye, men and women who made me the cartoon character I am today. I gained many brothers and sisters, and to this day, I love and thank them for having my back. Non Commission Officer’s always take care of each other, until the end of time. I have been to war for this country and hear “Thanks for your service” all the time, which, to this day, is one of the best feelings in the world!!!
During my life, I received a beautiful wife, whom I lost to divorce, and a strong mother-in-law, whom I love dearly to this day, both of whom have blessed me. I have my number one….AKA my son, who has blessed me with two beautiful granddaughters. I have my crew, “my brothers from another mother”, that I grew up with. Some I’ve known since kindergarten, others from middle and high school, and even more from the Army...Man, what a Blessed Life!!!!
BUT I still feel less than myself. I’m a muscular man, and I try to stay in some shape. I’m active and have a fun-filled life. I love the Lord, and I’m active in my church. So you’d say, “Then why do you feel this way?” I feel not being as strong, or as active, playing sports, and losing my sexual desire, due to loss of erection, will take a man down!!!
No matter how you slice it, a man who wants a woman in his life, and possibly to marry one day… but can’t please her? WOW! Although she may say, “It’s ok, it doesn’t really matter.” It matters to you. Now, if I were in my upper 70s or early 80s, I would be cool. BUT 50? That’s a tough pill to swallow.
If the “blue diamond” does not help you with a solid erection, and having to work extremely hard to satisfy you and her, puts a damper in the bedroom. So what do you do…Talk about it with your boys? Ask the doctor for help? Keep it bottled in? Pray on and let GOD have it? Take it to your Pastor? Drink things away? Do all kinds of research online? Get mad at everyone around and stay inside your home? Eat a bullet? YEP… Done them ALL! Well….not the bullet. Nothing worked well enough for me to get back into bed. I even tried the “TRIMIX”, which works in minutes, but it’s not natural. Men want to be spontaneous even more so after they turn 40, BUT putting a needle in your penis…RIGHT! Again, if I were in my 70s or 80s, I’m down with it.
My surgeon said it usually takes about 4-6 months, and you’ll be back to normal. My urologist said about 90 days. Both were wrong; nothing has changed, even after 6 months. Sure, everyone said, “man you had major surgery!” GOT IT. Not my first… I had 3 major back surgeries, both rotator cups, broken bones, and wrist surgery. I am not even counting the minor surgeries. Also, I’m used to pain, and have been through pain management programs. As they say, “been there, done that.”
We as men respond in all kinds of ways to being diagnosed and living with prostate cancer. I received my letter in the mail…YES MAIL! I called my doctor, and we made an appointment weeks later. That is when he confirmed the letter and informed me of my cancer diagnosis. I felt all kinds of emotions, and they changed very quickly! I felt everything: shock, fear, anger, denial, frustration, stress, a sense of dying, feeling alone, mood swings, and isolation. I can take up this entire page listing my changing emotions. It’s said that hormone therapy can cause physical changes to your body, such as putting on weight. Nope NOT THIS GUY, but… I experienced reduced physical strength. Felt like I lost my swag, having to wear that pamper and pee pads. Yep, I did! Your doctors will tell you this is normal. I told them, “NOT for ME!” You will change and improve with time, they said. I say to them, “When?”
How do we get over this? That’s the question of the day. Well, I DON’T KNOW….. LOL! But I will tell you this: talking to those I truly trust is my way of dealing with this. It was hard for me to find my support. I’m a retired Army man with a civilian law enforcement background. HOW many of us (the strong, silent type) will talk about our problems? None. We’re problem solvers. But this is where we will need help.
I don’t want to struggle alone anymore. And I don’t want you to struggle either. I work with a group of men called “Teacher of men”, who have the same background and have been on their own path (journey) with prostate cancer. We have won, and want to continue to win. We are here to help you and those you know make it one day, one week, one month, and one year at a time.
We also need you to help others you know and may not know continue to live their lives to the fullest. We want ALL men to defeat Depression and Anxiety, along with Prostate Cancer. We want to support you through all phases of this illness. We will be there for you whenever you want. We talk about what keeps us down while building each other up.
dated: 2019